18 months and into danger.

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Just look at these little terrors. Where did they come from? Why do they have so much energy? Why does everything make them convulse…cry…whine? How did I make the most adorable little people the world has ever seen? And lastly, why do they insist on climbing into the dishwasher to play with the knives? 

18.5 months. That’s where we are. They are such little people now. They have personalities and wants and, moreover, not-wants. Really really not-wants. And by “not-want”, I actually mean hate with a thousand fires. Hate to the point that it causes full body thrashing, screaming, weeping and throwing of things. In the not-want category? 

Diaper changes
Changing of any and all clothes
Hand washing
Teeth brushing
Toy sharing
Dog kisses
When the dog won’t give them a kiss
Door slams
Car honks
Any and all food unless it is animal crackers
Being hungry-even a little bit
Hugs from mamma
Not getting hugs from mamma while brother/sister gets hugs from mamma

And in the want category?

To be left alone
To be around me at all times
To kiss the dog’s tail
To pick up sticks at the park and run with them
To pick up bark and eat it a little bit
To run full speed around the house with eyes closed
To bite the dog’s back

I guess they are toddlers now right? I don’t know. I think technically they are toddlers, but to me, they still look like babies. They giggle and squirm and kiss and hug like little babies. They sleep like babies do. They eat like babies do. For as monstrous as they can be, which they very much can, they can also be completely adorable, fascinating, sweet little people. For instance? When H is crying, C comes over and pats him gently and says “Hi dee-dee” (his name to her). When she is crying, H brings her one of his animal crackers. He also gives Elmo his animal crackers on particularly altruistic days. They run over out of the blue and hug me, climb in my lap-kiss my face. They love the dogs (sometimes: see list above of not-wants). I am really enjoying spending beautiful spring days with them-expoloring the world, rather re-expoloring the world. The best part of this journey as been in the sense that I feel somewhat reborn. Like I have been given another chance to experience life-with new, fresh eyes. Watching the the world around me blossom into spring through the eyes of two 18.5 month olds, has been perfect. Like nothing else in my whole world. 

I am making my way through school-slowly to say the least. And I waver between being a wonderful mother and being a serious student. I try to be both, but like many before me, I fail. I yell at the babies after a hard day at school. I forget homework assignments and handouts after a weekend at the park with the twins. I peruse various scholarship applications and honors programs wondering if applying would interfere with our time together. Time that I value and cherish like a treasure. I try to do everything, and many days end up doing nothing. Nothing well at least. Being a mother is more important. I believe that. That’s time I will never ever get back and I am simply not willing to sacrifice it. And yet, I want them to be proud of me the way that I am so proud of my own mother. When they go to elementary school, and kids ask what their mom does, I want them to announce proudly that she is accomplished and professional. And even though I know intimately how difficult it is to stay at home with them-to do THAT professionally-I want to do more. Perhaps because of my upbringing-what I was taught was expected. 

So here I sit. At school. On a beautiful April day. While my two babies play and leap and jump and smell flowers and see new things. And I hate that I’m missing that. 

And now it’s time for class to start.

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