I’m still alive.

abHello faithful reader (s),

I am still alive. But barely. 2016 is an asshole of a year that I would very much like to forget. Of course there is the obvious. A putrid, orange piece of racist garbage was elected president of the United States. A woman who I have loved and admired for most of my life, was defeated. A woman who my daughter loved. Who my daughter wanted to see president. She lost to a man who bragged about grabbing a pussy without consent. So yea, 2016 is an asshole.

But 2016 was also something else. For me, it was life changing. As lame as it sounds, it was the first year of my life that I really and truly opened my eyes. I had a health incident happen towards the end of the year that changed everything. I am not going to go into detail, but I will say that after months and months and months and months of not listening to myself, not listening to what my inner self was fucking screaming for, it all came to a head. And my body basically said, “yea, I’m done here”. So in September of 2016, I started to listen. And I began to talk to professionals who could help me listen, who could help me really hear myself for the first time in more than 30 years. I’m still very much on this journey, I am far from finished. And so for that reason, I do not have the answers. I have not figured myself out. But I have learned this. And I think it is important for mothers, in particular, to hear this: You have to take care of yourself.

When you ride on an airplane they say “put the oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on your child”. That never made sense to me, even when I was a child. Why would the parent ever try and save themselves BEFORE helping their child? As a mother, I’ve thought a lot about that advice. We are told to, again, put the proverbial oxygen mask on ourselves before our children. In essence, we are being told to take care of ourselves before trying to take care of another life. Not because we are more important. Because we are only good at taking care of another, if we ourselves are healthy. And for the past several years, I have not been healthy. And it destroys me to admit this, but my children suffered the most because of it.

So while 2016 remains a relatively piece of shit kind of year (see: election of repulsive, vile dickhead), it was also profoundly life changing.

So yeah, I’m still alive.

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