WARNING: this entry will be terrible.

hc

Hello old friend. I’ve missed you. But I’ve also resented you because I feel stupid in the brain and like I no longer have anything to say. Did I ever have anything interesting to say? So there. Warning-this entry will suck.

The “babies” will turn three years old in a few months. I fluctuate between being horrified by the passage of time and being excited for what’s next. But the truth is, we are having a ton of fun together right now. They are opinionated and passionate and silly. And did I mention opinionated? Holy hell the opinions.

“I want milk”

“I don’t want any milk”

“I don’t wear shorts”

“My shorrttttttts. Mommy MY SHORTS!”

Sometimes I walk outside and shut the door to get a break and then they follow me and I run towards the backyard pretending that I can’t hear them and they chase me and say “Mommy you going?” “Mommy goes to work?” and then I feel like I should go ahead and report to prison to serve out my sentence for being “the worst mother possible”. But instead I suck it up and turn on “Calliou” and give them string cheese and things get better. For a minute.

But really. They’re pretty awesome. They are learning to swim and it’s so incredible to watch them try new things-things that were previously terrifying to them. When I try to help they say “I do by myself” which makes me laugh and then cry softly to myself. How can being a mother be such a dichotomy of emotions? How can I feel as though my heart will explode inside my chest with pride and then seconds later dissolve into a mushy puddle of tears? Man, I thought pregnancy hormones were bad.

So that’s us. That’s where we are in life. Life is changing so quickly-faster than I have time to recognize, to breathe  and to think on it. It scares the shit out of me, but it’s life.

So I better just hang on.

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