My twins are 2.5. And everything is centered around poop. Sometimes they’re the ones making it, other times, they’re just the ones discussing it. In the past week, here are a couple of times in which the topic of poop has come up:

1. My son came out of the yard holding something and exclaiming proudly, “Mommy, goggy poop. Goggy poop mommy”. How precious I thought. He’s found a rock and thinks it’s poop. I walked towards him smiling to myself at my adorable child. Getting closer, however, I realized goggy poop was in fact doggy poop. He held it up proudly for me to see. “Mommy, I am having goggy poop!”. After an hour of hand sanitation and multiple lectures on how gross poop, specifically goggy poop, is, I figured we had moved on.

Driving out of the driveway my son said “Bye house. “………”bye house”……..”bye bye poop. see you soon!!!!”

2. Sometimes I take my daughter with me when I walk our dogs. My mom stays at home with my son and it gives my daughter and I a chance to have alone time (something rare with twins). Our dog Bingo sniffs around for a bit, all the while my daughter says “Hey Bingo, time for poop. Poop bingo!” as loud as she possibly can. We keep walking. Finally the time comes for Bingo to do his business. Our daughter gets into a full squat as close to Bingo’s butt as she can so that she is literally eye-to-eye with his bottom. She waits with bated breath for the poop to come. “Bingo, poop time. Come on bingo. Make poo poo”. Finally he does what he needs to to. A smile spreads across her face. Her eyes gleam. She looks at me and screams for the whole neighborhood to hear “Mommy!!!!!!! Bingo making huge poop!!!!!! Gggggrossssss bingo”

3. Both kids think everything that is small and round and on the ground is inevitably poop. It could be a rock. It could be a blueberry from breakfast that someone threw on the ground. It could be mud. Whatever it is, they are certain it is poop. And I’ll tell you what, they’re excited about it. If we are walking through a parking lot trying to get to a restaurant, one will shout as loud as they can “Mommy!!!! I see poop on the ground” which is followed by the other kid shouting “Peeeeeeeeeee-yewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww” which is followed by hysterical laughing. A couple of days ago, our daughter collected a pile of “poop” which was actually small black stones and carried them in her pockets yelling “poop in pocket mommy!” Yesterday our son picked up a handful of “poop” in the backyard (pebbles) and threw them in the air yelling “rain poop”.

4. I came home from school the other day feeling particularly professional and impressive. I had straightened my hair that morning and was dressed up because of a meeting at school. It was one of those rare moments where I felt like my old self again. I didn’t have oatmeal in my hair. There weren’t sweet potatoes wedged unattractively under my fingernails. I felt like a pretty secretary from Mad Men. And then I came home to poop town USA. Our son had removed his pants and diaper and was practicing sitting on the potty. Usually he sits there for a few minutes pushing out (nothing ever comes out) and then he will get up and exclaim proudly, “Mommy, pee pee!” to which there is rarely any in the potty.

This time, however, he jumped of the toilet after minutes of pushing and climbed up on my lap for kisses. I was feeling like mom of the year until I smelled and felt what couldn’t be denied. Poop. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable….

“Mommy.”

“Hmm.”

“Mommy? Poop. Itchy. Poop on mommy. Mommmmmmmy? Itchy poop”

***cut to me taking off my pants and walking directly into the refrigerator in search of wine***

It’s a good thing that I think poop is hilarious.