Dear Thomas and all other inhabitants of the island of Sodor,

Your entire being makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if it’s your lack of a neck, your non-stop murderer like smile or general ineptitude that boils my buffers, but whatever it is, I hate your guts.

Thomas-you are terrible at your job. You are terrible at your life. Not one time have you EVER delivered what was needed to where it was needed at the time that it was needed. You get overly distracted by funny sounds. You are creepily jealous of your fellow engines. Your relationship with Sir Toppem Hat is unprofessional. And frankly I have questions about what’s going on between you and Percy.

Which brings me to the next subject.

Percy-why oh why does your voice sound the way that it does. My daughter loves you. She carries around your little figurine body all day everyday. She kisses you. She hugs you. She tells you “night night”. It’s freaking precious. So imagine my surprise when I heard your horrifying voice for the first time. What a whiny little bitch. I’m sorry, there is just no other phrase for it. You are worse than Thomas. You mess up and then you cry about it. You have no friends and you’re scared of loud engines. You serve no purpose whatsoever.

Emily-of course the ONLY female character is an anal retentive, over-achieving kiss ass. Have you guys not read “Lean In” yet? It is 2015. Women who are assertive and successful and not general fuck-ups like their counterparts (ahem, Thomas and Percy) are not by definition bossy and horrible. Just because Emily “likes to be the best at what she does, all the time” does not mean she has to be such an unlikeable brat. I can just see Emily in high-school, all Tracy Flick with no friends and no boyfriends, terrible style and an unfortunate hair-cut. I feel certain she went to Wellesley.

Sir Toppem Hat-I am utterly shocked that the island of Sodor still stands. Under your leadership, trains filled with children runoff the railway; picnics are ruined; Christmas trees are butchered. Stop eating so many crumpets and try managing for a change. What sort of a lesson are you teaching the children watching your program? To be terrible at what you do? To keep on employees who steal, cheat and lie their way down the railway?

To the other engines-start a coup. Get together when no one suspects it and figure out a way to overthrow the authority. Since Thomas can apparently do NOTHING that warrants a dismissal, you need to take it a step further. Go for the leader. Go for Sir Toppem Hat. Take him down. Start a rumor, get him exiled, hell run over him if need be. When the island dissolves into complete chaos and the people begin eating one another, that’s when one of you can rise to the throne. I considered suggesting Henry because he’s the oldest and he has the cutest name. I like Edward but he’s waaaaaay to0 gentle and fair to be a strong leader.

I’m talking about Emily. The over-achiever. The one everyone dislikes. The one who has been called a kiss-ass and a bitch her whole life. Women have backbone because we’ve been cleaning up after our male colleagues our whole lives. Emily was born to lead this island.

And on that note, I think I need to get away from my computer and stop watching tv with my children.