The crying. The whining. The constant, non-stop wanting of something from me. Holy crap. Toddlers are kind of terrible people. A list of things that makes them cry/whine/throw/hit/stomp/roll-on-ground-like-monsters:
1. Putting on their shoes
2. Taking off their shoes
3. Feeding them dinner
4. When they’re hungry for dinner
5. When I’m not standing next to them
6. When I’m standing next to them
7. When one of them accidentally touches the other one
8. When the dogs bark
9. When dinner isn’t comprised solely of goldfish crackers and/or Nilla wafers
10. When I make them hold my hand in a busy parking lot
11. When I make us leave the busy parking lot because they won’t hold my hand
12. When I say goodnight to one of them before the other
13. When the t.v. is on
14. When the t.v. is off
15. When a woodchip from the playground gets in their shoe
16. When the circle puzzle piece won’t fit in the square space
17. When they can’t climb the stairs and hold 17 toys at the same time
18. When I turn on the faucet in the bathtub
19. When I secretly shovel food down my throat in the kitchen for the first time in six hours instead of giving it to them
20. When I sing “You are my sunshine” and/or “This land is your land”
Seriously. Lord help me. These people are slowly sucking the life out of me. At any given point of any given day, there is a 30 pound person dangling from part of my body. This person is usually covered in peanut butter or boogers and is screaming for one of the aforementioned reasons above. They might also be hitting me in the leg while I desperately try and rescue them from the speeding highway of cars going past them. Oh, and replace one of these people with two of these people because that’s what my life looks like. Oh, and also throw on two strangely sized dogs who also seem to be going through a toddler phase, even though they’re actually quite old.
What’s wrong with this age? They just seem to want want want. When they don’t want, they seem to complain complain complain. They don’t have language, I get it. Terrible, screeching whining is how they communicate. But does every single thing have to be a complete meltdown?!
Yesterday I had the twins by myself for several hours and after listening to said screeching inside the house for what seemed like decades, I decided we had to go outside or else I was going to put my head in the oven. I tried walking with both kids up the hill in our neighborhood towards a little park we use. Literally four steps into the walk, one child collapsed onto the pavement in a pile of snot and wails because, wait for it, a stick…brushed…her…ankle.
The other kid had a finger in his nose and continued waving “byyyyeeeee” to the squirrels playing in the yard next door. I managed to pull the wailer up and forced them to keep walking. A mere seven steps later, another collapse. This time what happened? I…re-fastened…..her…..shoe strap. Wailing. Screaming. Hitting. Snotting.
When this happens again, I am going to collapse on the ground with her and start wailing as well.
So if you’re looking for us in the next few weeks, keep your eye out for three people. All wailing. All snotting. All screeching. Two of these people are almost two. One of these people is 31.
That is all.