Things that I have learned in the past 3.5 months:

DO make sure nothing child related is stuck to your butt before leaving the house.
DO buy that extra bottle of wine at the grocery store that you are contemplating not buying because you are ready for your butt to go back to where it used to be and for your stomach to stop looking like an old man’s. (trust me when you get home and you REALLY need that wine and you don’t have it you will be stuck drinking something way worse and likely stronger)
DON’T look away from the changing table after a particularly upsetting diaper because chances are, the upsetting-ness isn’t over and the moment you look away, it ends up all over your changing pad.
DON’T spend money on adorable coordinated monkey outfits or dinosaur pjs because your child will barf  and then poop on them and all of that will probably happen in one sitting.
DO put the brake on every time you use your stroller. Just trust me on that one.
DO go to sleep whenever possible. Doesn’t matter where, hardly matters when. Just close your eyes when you can and sleep.
DON’T worry about your house being an effing disaster. This one is hard for me but I’ve had to consign myself to the fact that my floor will forever be covered in brightly colored machines that whizz and whirl and twist and buzz.
DON’T use cloth diapers. I get it. It’s really cool that people use them and hats off to those saving the environment but think about it this way: you’re already spending a considerate amount of your life washing gross smelling things out of cloth things, why add another cloth thing to that list?
DO take showers. With very little personal time, it’s easy to forgo the shower for say, sleep or wine or adult human interaction, but a shower goes a long way in preserving your sanity and frankly your relationships 🙂
DON’T EVER let both babies get hungry at the same time. If you do, you’re done for. You are playing a man-to-man defense and if you falter and switch to a zone during feeding time, you will lose. Instead, wake one baby up fifteen minutes before the other one gets hungry and feed them first. I really can’t stress this one enough.
That’s enough for now. I’ll update this periodically as more disgusting things happen to me.